Struggling with Feelings.

Going back to school is always a bother; something that everyone does with much reluctance. You would almost expect me to say that returning to Sahyadri isn't anything like that and that it's all tears of happiness and sleepless nights because you can't wait to return. But no. Returning to Sahyadri is the bane of my life. Even morning of the first week, I wake up wishing I was home.

But as the day progresses, I am able to resist the urge to think of home and sulk on the basis of it. The first week at any school, in my opinion, is the average settling time and therefore, it sucks (forgive the Sahyardrian language). It doesn't help that at the end of the week, we call our parents- that just makes me homesick all over again and the story goes back to square one, especially after hanging up.

It feels like yesterday that I went home for Diwali vacations and the next second, I'm back already. One of the reasons living in Sahyadri can be frustrating is because it's not like you'll be able to stay at home forever, basically home isn't as much of a home as it used to be because every time you go back you'll be aware of the fact that you have to leave at some point of time.

When I returned to Sahyadri, it all felt unreal and strange as if I were watching my own life from a distance. In fact, my vacation went like that- in a jiffy. And trust me, there's nothing more bugging than not being able to believe something so plausible, so believable. 

After Sahyadri, I've started to find time very clever and eerie for some reason. I think time is the reason why everything is so weird for me, now. I don't know, really. Maybe it's because I overthink everything or because I read too much into people's actions- or simply because so much change so less time. Either way, it all comes to one thing- 

Feelings...

After the last post, I realized that I'm not very successful at not feeling or subtle at hiding them. If only feelings were simpler, I wouldn't be thinking so much in vain. At school, we have this twenty minute meditation time called 'Asthatchal' every week day. I used to think that when I get that twenty minute time to reflect, connect, relate- moreover, think, I would be making the best use of it. But now, when I'm glancing at my watch every five minutes and fidgeting with hay when I'm supposed to think, I realized that maybe you can't force feelings and thoughts to do anything just as you can't manipulate lottery. They come and go as they like and we? We try as we like but there's not much we can change. 

A week passed by, and to describe my feelings there is only one word- thoughtful. But not when I'm given time to think, instead when I'm busy and am least prepared to listen to myself.